Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
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me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
real
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.