Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
#ProTip
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.