i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Only short people can save us
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
#dalle2
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .