[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
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This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
multitasking lunch
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.