Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Chemical wingman
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.