*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
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So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.