Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
those birds must be on payroll
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.