Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
a fate I wish upon no one
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral