My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.