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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.