if I can survive this, I can survive anything
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
greetings!
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”