Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I’m putting together a team
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.