My zodiac sign is pistachio
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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
What?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Life hack
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
welp