Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
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FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
jesus, what did this guy do
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.