you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”