I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
You Might Also Like
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok