Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Sharon, call the vet
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy