Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
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Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.