Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.