if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
You Might Also Like
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*