Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
What
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.