trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
How I’d get arrested…
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus