The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.