I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.