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The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
bought wrong eggs
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.