i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
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Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together