me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.