They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math