Impervious: being an admitted pervert
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Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
No chill.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Stop it! 😂
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.