Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce