Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
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Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Alexa: *deep breath*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something