Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
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Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos