[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
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I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section