Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
You Might Also Like
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
When your man makes a valid point
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Support your local cemetery
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed