Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
good work, everybody
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*