fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.