Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
😬
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.