DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
*serious situation*
My brain: