JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
You Might Also Like
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you