selena gomez
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Guantanamo Bae
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
shampoo implies shampee
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire