Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
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See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.