Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
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me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password