me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You Might Also Like
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
And bowling should be called pinball
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
my mom making me talk to relatives
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
That eye roll….
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}