Them: You should try keto
Me:
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Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.