5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
So that’s what we looked like?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
#MeanwhileInCanada
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.