The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow