All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question