Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
dam girl
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?