I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa