My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.